The Fate of the Cow
by WriterlyInqueling
Summary: Missing! Kaltenecker. Black and white cow. Pls return to LanceNPidge if found. Reward: The 3 bucks found in Lance's pocket ()()() Kaltenecker seems to be MIA. What happened to Kaltenecker? You can't introduce a cow to the show like that and never tell the audience what happened to the poor thing! Just a bunch of random one-shots on what happened to Kaltenecker.
1. Loosening Up

**A/N: I'm hopping onto the Voltron bandwagon! I really love this show and, holy crow, I have so many ideas! Anywho, as my first one _posted_ I figure humor was the best way to go (Trust me, I'll post some angst on here, it's unavoidable in this world). I just wanted to answer the question I'm sure all of us have been asking since the second season ended, "Where the heck is... Kaltenecker." Yeah, yeah, Shiro too (I seem calloused, but I'm secretly dying inside from my Shiro being gone.) **

**Honestly, this is the only show where I can say that the main characters got a free cow when they bought their video game after swimming in the water fountain and flew out of a space mall on said free cow trying to escape a mall cop who thought they were pirates. AND IT MAKES SENSE.**

 **I love this show.**

 **Enjoy!**

"Why was there a cow in my room?" All the paladins glanced up as Keith pulled Kaltenecker into the common room.

Shiro prepared himself to interfere if it got out of hand while the other three paladins shared a knowing glance and hid their smirks.

"Aww, man," Lance whined. "Kaltenecker liked it there!"

"It's. my. room!" Keith gave one last tug and Kaltenecker mooed.

Pidge frowned, "Be nice to the cow, Keith. Besides," she pushed up her glasses, "Where else were we supposed to put it?"

"Why not your room?!"

Pidge sputtered, "It'd break all my stuff!"

Hunk held his hands up, "I've got emergency food in there. Kalt would eat it."

Keith glared at Lance who shrugged, "Kaltenecker would interfere with my beauty sleep!"

Keith's eye twitched, "Why. Was. The cow. In. _MY_. _Room_."

"Well," Pidge adjusted her glasses, "You were training at the time..."

"And Kalt just walked-" Hunk paused, "Umm... Crawled? Well, anyways, Kalt went into your room..."

Lance bit his lip to keep back his laugh, "And Kaltenecker liked it so much, we figured he should just stay there. I mean, it's not like you sleep or anything and, as long as you don't light a match, cows make great roommates. Plus, you never really had a chance to bond with the cow. You need to loosen up some!" He gripped Keith's shoulders, "Become _one_ with the cow and _bond_."

Keith threw his arms in the air, knocking Lance's hands off his shoulder, "That's it."

Lance, Hunk, and Pidge braced themselves for the outburst.

"Dishonor!"

They froze.

"Dishonor on your whole family." He made a sweeping gesture at them.

"Dishonor on you," he pointed at Lance.

"Dishonor on your cow," he pointed at Kaltenecker.

He glanced at a stunned Pidge, "Crickee, make a list."

While Shiro was dying of laughter in the corner, you could literally see the stars in the rest of the paladins' eyes.

" _You watch movies_." Pidge looked like she had just seen the coolest new robot.

"Well, duh," Keith rolled his eyes.

Lance and Hunk were still stunned. "That," Hunk managed to speak, "was actually a really good impression."

"Still," Keith turned to leave, "Keep the cow out of my room." He looked thoughtful, "Why don't you just stick it into one of those random empty rooms?"

"He'll get lonely!" Lance whined.

"Actually, it's a girl," Keith amended, "And the cow'll be fine."

He left the room and chuckled to himself, "How was that for loosening up?"


	2. Coran--What are you doing?

**A/N: Destiny Willowleaf, this one's for you. You have asked and I have answered.**

 **Enjoy!**

The first time, Shiro had let it slide.

Coran was... odd. He probably had a _perfectly_ good reason to be wandering around the castle... at night... in the dark... acting like he was secret agent. Shiro just turned around and walked back. Nothing odd going on over there.

The second time, Shiro hesitated.

Coran seemed to be up to something... He shook his head. He was being paranoid, it was probably just a surprise for Allura.

The third time, Lance had been frantic. "Has anyone seen Kaltenecker?!" He peered underneath the couch as if the cow could've fit.

"You lost it?!" Keith and Pidge just stared at him.

"How could you lose a freaking _cow?!"_ Pidge waved her arms.

"I don't know!" Lance wrung his hands, "Kalt just... disappeared!"

Keith massaged the bridge of his nose, "How long has the cow been gone?"

Lance rubbed the back of his neck and laughed nervously, "Three days?"

Pidge slapped Lance's arm. "Ow!" He rubbed the sore spot.

Allura tilted her head, "Perhaps the umm... _cow_? is somewhere in the hallways. There are a lot of abandoned places in the Castle. Your Kaltenecker could have just wandered into them."

Hunk started running out into the hallway, "Kaltenecker! Where are you?"

Pidge grabbed Lance's sleeve, "Get yourself out there and help find the cow." She glared at Keith, "You better help too."

She pursed her lips, "That cow was free and, if I can't get my game to work," she crossed her arms."You all had better take good care of it. It's no video game, but it's all I got and if you lose it..." Her glasses glinted and the rest of the paladins got her message.

"I'll uh- check the infirmary," Coran quickly scooted out.

Shiro didn't miss Coran's fidgeting since Lance had brought up the cow. Sure, he was normally fidgety, but this was just downright _suspicious_.

"I'll go check down the hallways," Shiro announced and followed after Coran.

()()()

Shiro followed Coran down a few hallways, but furrowed his eyebrows when he realized that Coran was indeed heading for the infirmary.

 _Huh, guess I_ was _being a bit paranoid_. He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged, turning to go check the other hallways when he heard, and I quote, " _Mooooooo."_

"Shhhhh!" Coran loudly sputtered, "Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet."

 _Mooooooo._

Shiro stepped into the infirmary to see Coran with his hands on his temples squinting at the cow and concentrating very hard. "C'mon, be quiet, be quiet."

 _Moooooooooo._

"What are you doing?"

"AUGH!" Coran jumped five feet in the air. When he saw Shiro he tried hiding the cow, standing in front of it, "Umm... nothing?"

Shiro cocked his head, peering behind Coran, "The cow's right behind you."

Coran turned around, as if not expecting the cow to be, in fact, right behind him, "Ah! Yes! I found the cow!"

Shiro sighed, "Coran, why do you have the cow?"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about!"

Shiro gave him a _"really?"_ look and Coran sighed, "Fine." He patted Kalt's head, "I was trying to mind-meld with this wonderful beast."

"You were trying... to mind meld... with the cow."

Coran nodded proudly, "Yep! We were going to be as close as a pair of proneps." He leaned and whispered conspiratorially, "That's closer than even yelneps." He sighed, "Unfortunately, it hasn't been working."

Shiro could only blink in disbelief, "Why would you even want to _do_ that?"

Coran shrugged, "Well, Allura has her mice and I thought maybe I could have the.. cow did you call it?" He twisted his mustache, "Of course, I didn't expect the other paladins to be so _attached_ to it." The cow mooed again and Coran deflated, "It could have made me sandwiches..."

"Cows can't make sandwiches."

Coran tilted his head in surprise, "Oh! Really?"

Shiro felt kind of bad, "Sorry, Coran."

"Ah well," Coran began trying to pull the cow out of the infirmary.

"Here, let me help you," Shiro could almost imagine the happy faces of the paladins at finding their lost cow.

"Perhaps it's for the best," Coran gave another tug, "Do you know how hard it is to stuff a cow into a cryopod, let alone squeeze in with it?"


	3. Lord of the Flame

**A/N: Why is it that, whenever I sit down to write, I keep churning out these things? I. am. writing. about. a. _cow._ A _cow._ _COW._ And you people are actually reading this! *sighs contently* The Voltron Universe is a wonderful place.**

 **For you eagle-eye readers who are as nerdy as I am, yes, the Gorns are indeed stolen from Star Trek. I can't make up alien names 24/7.**

 **Warning: Character Death!**

"Please don't kill the red paladin!" Allura pleaded with the Gorns.

They had just battled a whole fleet of Galra and saved the Gorns' planet. Keith had destroyed the building where the Galra had set up as their base on the planet and consequently freed the Gorns. However, the building turned out to be a temple and the Gorns were nothing if not stubborn.

They demanded Keith as a sacrifice and were not budging no matter how many times Allura reminded them that they had saved the Gorns' butt. Not _exaaactly_ in those words, but that was the gist of it.

 _He has destroyed our sacred temple. We have no choice but to sacrifice him to appease the spirit of the temple._ The chief priest was like stone in his decision.

Allura bit her lip. They couldn't afford to be on the bad side of the Gorns. The Gorns weren't the most technically advanced, but they were certainly spectacular warriors.

 _You must give him up or there will be no peace between the Voltron Force and the Gorns._

And now they were threatening them!

"So, Allura, what are we going to do?" Shiro's voice came over the coms.

"Hey, Allura, I would _really_ like not to be thrown in a sacrificial fire," Keith's voice sounded slightly nervous.

"Oh, don't be a wuss," Lance seemed amused about this for some reason. "Fire is your lion's element! It'll probably feel like a warm bath!"

"Actually," Coran interjected, "The Red Paladin is _not_ immune to fire as proven by the second Red Paladin, Spekto the Flammable."

"..."

"Well, in that case, it was nice knowing you, Keith."

"We aren't going to give up Keith for a sacrifice, Lance!" Hunk sounded panicked.

Pidge decided to join then, "Well, then, what _are_ we going to do?"

Keith's voice came back on, "Allura... if there's no other way, I'll g-"

"Shut up, Keith!" 4 other voices said in unison.

"Don't you dare ever say that again," Shiro used his "leader-dad" voice to the extreme.

"As much as I would love having you go down as Keith, Lord of the Flame, I'm not letting you go out in fire and glory like that."

"There's got to be another way!" Pidge tapped her chin.

 _We need the Red Paladin._

Oh. Yes. The Gorn. Allura was trying hard to keep her eye from twitching.

A pair of fingers snapped. Lance's excited voice came over the coms, "I've got a plan!"

Keith groaned, "I'd have better luck with the fire."

Lance's eyeroll was pretty much audible, "Just hear me out, it goes a bit like this..."

()()()

"I can't believe we're doing this," Keith ran his hands over his face.

"It's a brilliant plan!" Lance was practically hopping up and down in excitement.

Pidge turned and glared at Lance, "Well, it won't work if you don't shut your mouth!"

They appeared in full uniform before the Gorns, on the ashes of the temple.

The Gorns had already prepared a bonfire and the chief priest had a nasty looking knife. He looked at the paladins and princess before him. _Where is the Red Paladin._

"He's right here," Allura pointed at the red helmet among her paladins, keeping a stoic face. "You may have him."

"Wait a second!" Lance's shocked voice made all the Gorns turn to him, "You can't do that!"

Pidge joined in, "You're not seriously going to sacrifice _Keith_ are you?"

"Allura! You said that we weren't going to-"

Allura interrupted Hunk, turning away from the paladins, "Keith broke the rules. He pays the price."

Shiro blocked them, "You heard the Princess."

The rest of the paladins glared at them, but the red helmet didn't move.

The Gorn nodded his approval, _True warriors, the lot of them._

Allura nodded her head curtly and Shiro brought forward the red paladin.

If Gorns had eyebrows, they would most certainly be raised right now.

 _I heard that the Red Paladin was part Galra. He most certainly doesn't look like it._

Allura crossed her arms, "Does it matter?" She sighed, "His other DNA seems to be more dominant, if you want to see tests, but that _is_ the Red Paladin."

 _Bring him up here._

"Shiro, don't. Please," Hunk was the only one who could speak. The other two were currently fuming.

Shiro shook his head, "Sorry."

He pulled forward the red paladin.

 _Moooooo_.

"Sorry, Kal-Keith," Shiro handed over the "red paladin".

The Gorn held out the knife and Pidge and Lance yelled as the knife came down. Hunk just cried.

 _Accept the offering of the destroyer of the sacred temple._ The Gorn tossed the poor cow into the fire.

Then he turned to Allura, _The deed is done._ He jutted his chin out, _We will now consider a treaty_.

()()()

After a week of meetings and the _real_ Red Paladin nearly going crazy from being kept indoors for that long, they finally left.

Keith sighed in relief as soon as he saw the planet in the background. He finally relaxed in the common room, when he heard the door slide open and the other paladins joined him.

Pidge plopped down next to Keith, "You better be grateful. I gave up my cow for you." She put a hand on her heart, "Kaltenecker gave up his life for you."

Keith groaned, "I know. I know. I'm sorry about the cow." He rubbed the back of his neck, "I'll try to be more careful in the future?"

Pidge snorted, "You better 'cause we don't have another cow to use for you."

"I still can't believe that actually worked," Hunk admitted. "They totally bought it."

Shiro chuckled, "Should I be concerned about your guys' actor's skills?"

Pidge tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. She turned to Lance, curious, "Actually... I'm a bit more concerned on how Lance managed to get _Kaltenecker_ into _Keith's_ uniform."

Lance shrugged, "It was a piece of cake. Just had to let out a bit at the seams." He leaned over and winked at her, "They don't call me The Tailor for nothing."

 **A/N: So far, this one is my favorite for what happened to Kaltenecker. I could see why Netflix never mentioned the embarrassing situation in which Kalt well- um- died. At least he went out in fire and glory.**

 **RIP Kaltenecker, Lord of the Flame.**


	4. More For Us

**A/N: Warning: Character Death! Umm... sorry, but at this point I'm pretty sure the following was probably one of the first things you thought about when you wondered where Kaltenecker went. I know it was for me.**

 **With that out of the way, this is based on a true story. Except it was a goat named Rosebud.**

 **()()()**

It was a nice dinner. A lot better than the infamous "Food Battle of Unity" as Coran so very nicely named it. The paladins were actually enjoying their meal due to Hunk's wonderful cooking.

That is, until they noticed that Allura hadn't touched her food.

"Something wrong?" Shiro looked up from his nearly empty plate.

Allura closed her mouth, frowning, then opened it, "I cannot eat this- this-" She gestured at the plate, disgusted, "abomination."

All five paladins looked down at their plates. There was nothing wrong with it.

"What's wrong with it?" Keith raised an eyebrow, poking it with his utensil.

"It's disgusting!" Allura poked it too and cringed.

"Aw, c'mon Allura," Pidge whined through a full mouth. "You haven't even tried it."

"Pidge is right," Lance argued. "You should at least try it. I mean, after all, we ate your food goo."

Allura wrinkled her nose, "At least our food goo isn't made from a real being."

"Could've fooled me," Keith mumbled.

"It was just a cow," Pidge rolled her eyes. "There was no room for it in the Castle and we are not letting it go. to. waste." She emphasized each word with a jab from her fork (or the closest equivalent in space).

Hunk gave her big puppy dog eyes, "Please, princess? I spent a long time on it. Just a little bite? Please?" He clasped his hands together.

Allura glanced at her plate, then the hopeful faces of the paladins. She sighed loudly, "Fine." She curled her lip as she brought the roast to her mouth and took a bite.

Lance leaned over and pointed across the table, "Hey, Hunk, could you please pass Kaltenecker down?"

Allura choked, coughing on the roast. She promptly spat the beef out into her hand and slammed it onto her plate, "I can't eat anything that had a- a NAME." She stormed out of the dining room, leaving a bunch of stunned paladins.

The paladins all glared at Lance who shrugged, "What? It just means more for us."

 **A/N: Yes, I really did just do that. (Inqueling: They ATE Kaltenecker! O.O) But seriously, this is based on a true story. My dad's foster sister was not eating the goat meat and the moment they finally convinced her to just _try_ it, my dad asked if "they would please pass Rosebud." and she spat that meat out and loudly announced that she couldn't eat anything that had a name.**

 **And the paladins most certainly do that story justice.**


End file.
